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Walking Ix (ee`sh):
In the Mayan Oracle, Ix represents "integrity, heart-knowing, alignment with divine will, magician, shaman, jaguar, night seer, priest, torch bearer, magic." When I asked the Oracle what Star-Glyph represented my purpose in this website, Ix was the answer.
Holding fast to the qualities of Ix, this journal chronicles my spiritual path. On the path, I will occasionally write organized essays on spiritual subjects, those will appear under Pieces below.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
How do I get through this? I praised my boi for having the strength to show her weakness, her fear and emotions. Now I'm here trying to suppress mine. It's not working, but I keep trying. I tell myself that it's not about pride, it's about her needing me. If she's falling apart, how can I fall apart? She needs me to hold her. I can't do that if I'm falling apart.
And I don't really think it is about pride. I have cracked in front of her on several occasions. I've cried. I've asked for help and support when I was emotionally stressed and couldn't take it. Right now I'm stressed about money. I'm stressed about not having a job. I'm stressed about her having to face her mother's death. I'm stressed about spending so much time holding her and driving to and from the hospital and being too tired to look for a job. I'm stressed because I'm empathic and the person I love, the one who shares my life, is falling apart inside. I don't pretend to feel the depth of emotion she's feeling; I just feel an edge of it. It's so painful. And it hurts me to see her hurting and know I can't do anything to ease it....I can only walk with her through it.....only I can't experience it with her, just near her.
I trust the universe. I believe that happiness is the default life. We make our lives unhappy and complicated and depressed. I believe this with almost all my strength. I have, however, wondered over the years if my faith could stand an actual test. Sure, I put myself through an emotional hell for most of my adolescence. Yes, I was abused and damaged as a child. I've had stresses and worries and anxieties, but overall, I've been very lucky in my life. Only one of my grandparents is dead and he had a long, terminal illness so we saw him the night he died knowing he wouldn't make it through the night. My parents are both alive. None of my close, or even not-so-close, friends have died. The dear friend who has AIDS is approaching 10 years since his diagnosis and is very healthy. The family members who have had cancer, have survived. My sister wasn't supposed to live to puberty. She will be 30 years old in March. I have not had major surjury, broken a bone, or had any prolonged illness in my life.
I refuse to wait for the other shoe (a policy the boi and I have shared since our relationship took off) but I don't presume that my life will always be so lucky. I've struggled for years with the doubts that I might crumble under the pressure of a real challenge. However, my faith has not been truly shaken. A little tremble or twinge, but no real doubt. I know I am strong and capable and grounded in my faith. Now the twinges are a bit stronger, but I fight them back. I believe the universe is a certain way and I know I can rely on that framework to get me through anything that comes along.....
I just can't see what the other side looks like....or how far away it is....and I feel like I need to know that if I'm going to help my boi through. I know she is strong and I know she has the spirit necessary for what is ahead. We know our "roles" on this path. I transform her surrender and she battles, clearing the path. We teach each other, lead by example and experience, and give each other strength that has no end. I must hold that faith in our strength and our symbiosis. I have my moments of doubt, but I can combat those twinges by trusting the universe knows where it is leading us.
posted by DM # @ 20:34
Pieces
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